How to Keep Sex Hot, Especially When It’s Planned
Couples make such a fuss when I suggest scheduling sex, as if putting it on the calendar is going to strip away all the fun and spontaneity. This couldn’t be further from the truth. What this tells me is that the couple’s sexual script, or in other words, what they do when they have sex, is probably very narrow. There are many ways to spice up your sex life that require planning, not spontaneity.
The truth is, couples who prioritize sex, making it a part of their weekly routine, tend to report higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
The possibilities are endless once date night approaches.
You don’t have to do something new every time. I want to be clear that intensity doesn’t have to come from novelty. Intensity can be found in the comfort of holding your partner close and making love in a way that you’re used to. However, research shows that couples who are open to new experiences tend to report higher levels of satisfaction in the long-run. Never push your partner to do something he or she isn’t comfortable with. Trying new things requires excellent communication skills, mutual trust, and an open mind.
Surprise your partner. Come up with ideas of things to explore.
You and your partner can take turns coming up with new things to try. A fun book is 101 Nights of Great Sex by Laura Corn. The pages are sealed “for him” and “for her.” This prevents your partner from peeking at what you might have in store. When it’s your turn, open the page for ideas of things to surprise your partner with.
Change the time and location.
Maybe you’re the kind of couple who isn’t as open to new positions, lingerie, or blindfolds. No problem. Simply changing where and when you have sex can add to the excitement. Find a time to sneak away from work during the week to meet each other back at home for a mid-week treat. The extreme relaxation that comes with dreamy, middle-of-the-night sex can be intense. Pitch a tent in the backyard and curl up in a sleeping bag. I caution people about doing some sex acts in public – you don’t want your night to end in an arrest – but there are some things you might try to get away with. Try getting handsy in the back of a cab or in a dark corner of a party. Make out behind a tree in a public park or in a museum exhibit when no one else is around. There is lots you can do with foreplay outside the bedroom that will help spice up your sex life once you’re in the safety of your home.
Switch the order of things.
This is perhaps where most people get stuck. How many of you are guilty of having sex in the following way: undress each other, kiss briefly, use your hands to stimulate genitals, have intercourse, call it day. Many couples fall into the male-dominated view of sex – that sex ends with the male orgasm. If your partner usually initiates, why don’t you try initiating? Try having sex without intercourse at all. Try making out for a really long time before jumping to the next activity. Most people can remember how hot makeout sessions used to be when sex wasn’t on the table yet. Lose yourself in the passion of quick intercourse and then come back to typical “foreplay” activities as you slow back down. Switch back and forth between intercourse and manual stimulation. There are tons of variations on the order that can create a sense of newness to the experience.
Brainstorm ideas of things to try together.
Whether or not you act them out, exchanging fantasies is a wonderful way to add excitement to your sex life. Fantasies are free, always accessible, and completely safe. Sharing your deepest, most erotic thoughts is a great exercise in vulnerability and will help you feel closer to your partner. Alternatively, have a brainstorming session on things you might actually want to try. I’ll say it again, being a strong communicator is key. If you’re wanting to really step outside the box and experiment with BDSM, you’ll have to have a lengthy conversation about boundaries and expectations. If you want to try role play, talk ahead of time about the script.
Try something new (nonsexual) together earlier in the week or for date night. This creates a sense of newness.
This is perhaps one of the easiest, safest, and most impactful ways to spice up your sex life. Novelty does not have to come with trying new things. Sharing new experiences together can bring a sense of newness into the erotic encounter. This may be something small like trying a new restaurant or something that takes a bit more commitment like signing up for a dance class together. Even having meaningful conversations or getting to know a new side to your partner can create intensity in sex.
I hope this helps remove the sense of dread the next time your therapist recommends planning sex. If you’re busy like most people, you might be waiting a long time if you’re waiting for sex to happen spontaneously. Take charge and prioritize it. You might be surprised by how good it is.