Max and Jen sat across from me on the sofa. “What brings you in today?” I asked.
Max fidgeted nervously on the sofa.
“I’ll go first,” said Jen. “Max has erectile dysfunction. It’s gotten really frustrating for both of us. He never wants to do it anymore because he’s so worried he won’t get an erection.”
Max was looking at the floor.
“And I,” Jen started to cry, “just don’t feel like he even wants me anymore. I don’t feel loved or desired. It’s just devastating.”
“Tell me what things have been like for you, Max.” I said gently.
He shrugged. “I don’t know what happened. I never used to have these issues, but I’m 54 now, and I feel like my body just doesn’t respond the way it used to. Jen’s right. It’s turned into this huge thing. I’m so worried that I’ll lose my erection or won’t be able to get one at all that I’ve stopped wanting to have sex. Sex always came easily for us, but it just doesn’t anymore. I really don’t know what can be done at this point.”
“I think it’s me,” Jen said, crying softly. “I’m 52, and my body isn’t the same as it was when I was 25. I really just don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore.”
“God, Jen, would you stop?” Max said. “I’ve told you it’s not that.”
I explained to Max and Jen that erectile dysfunction is the most commonly treated male sexual problem and that it’s estimated that it affects over 30 million men in the United States.
“Those numbers are most likely even higher,” I said, “but men don’t often want to admit they struggle with this. You certainly don’t see it in the movies or on TV, and most folks don’t receive guidance on how to cope with sexual difficulties as part of their sex ed. Because of the shame involved, most people don’t feel comfortable reaching out to their friends for support. That can make people feel lonely and helpless.
“By the way, I don’t like the word dysfunction,” I told them. “It overly pathologizes the person experiencing the issue, and truthfully, it’s rarely the most accurate word. I prefer the word difficulty. Most people, at one point or another, are going to experience a sexual difficulty. How you work as a couple through that difficulty is one of the strongest determining factors for it evolving into a full-fledged dysfunction versus an occasional hurdle that can be navigated jointly.”
To read more about coping with your partner’s sexual dysfunction, visit HealthyWomen.org.
