Psychology Today – Not Tonight, Dear

Sexual Intimacy plays an important role in emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction. However, when sexual desire is mismatched between partners, the resulting dynamics can be complex and challenging. This is especially true for couples in which one partner struggles with sexual interest/arousal disorder. A recent study sheds light on how responses to sexual rejection impact the sexual and relationship well-being of these couples compared to couples in the general population.

What Is Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (SIAD)?

Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder is characterized by a lack of sexual interest or arousal for an extended period, typically six months or more, causing significant distress to the individual. It is the most commonly reported sexual problem among women and a frequent reason for seeking couples or sex therapy. Partners of individuals with SIAD also experience lower sexual and relationship satisfaction, highlighting the disorder’s profound interpersonal effects. As a sex and relationship therapist with over 15 years of experience, I can attest to how strong of an impact the style of rejection and response to being rejected impacts the couple’s sexual and relationship dynamics.

The Study: Investigating Responses to Sexual Rejection

A recent study aimed to explore how different responses to sexual rejection—when one partner declines the other’s sexual advances—affect the well-being of couples coping with low desire compared to couples within the general public. The researchers identified four types of responses to sexual rejection: understanding, resentful, insecure, and enticing

Participants included 241 individuals with SIAD and their partners, as well as 105 couples in the community. They completed online surveys assessing their responses to sexual rejection, sexual satisfaction, sexual desire, sexual distress, sexual frequency, and relationship satisfaction.

Four Response Styles

Understanding responses: Understanding responses are characterized by declining sex while still reminding their partner that they are loved and cherished. Likewise, the partner who is rejected knows their partner still loves them and doesn’t take the rejection personally. Participants who had understanding responses demonstrated higher relationship satisfaction for both SIAD and community couples. This suggests that fostering empathy and understanding in the face of sexual rejection can significantly improve relationship dynamics, even in the context of SIAD.

Insecure Responses: Insecure responses are characterized by getting upset or frustrated about having to say no to sex. Similarly, partners who have been rejected feel insecure or hurt about being turned down. Individuals who displayed insecure responses reported greater sexual distress, which resulted in lower sexual satisfaction, greater sexual distress, and lower relationship satisfaction.

Resentful Responses: Resentful responses are characterized by acting cold toward one’s partner and one’s partner acting cold in return. When individuals perceived greater resentful responses, they also reported lower relationship satisfaction. When partners of individuals with SIAD and community partners reported greater resentful responses, their partners reported lower partner-focused sexual desire.

Enticing Responses: Enticing responses are characterized by a “if at first you don’t succeed, try try again” mentality. When partners of individuals with low desire reported greater enticing responses, they also reported higher sexual satisfaction and higher partner-focused sexual desire, and the couple reported greater sexual frequency.

To read the rest of the article, you can find it on psychologytoday.com.