Think only men suffer performance anxiety, your libido is set in stone or porn destroys intimacy? Experts debunk the most common misconceptions about your sex life
Sex = penetration
Asked to define sex, most people will say it means penetration and anything else is just “foreplay”, explains Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, and author of The Science of Sex. “This pedestals intercourse as ‘real sex’ and other sexual acts as something done before penetration rather than as deserving credit in their own right,” she says.
Lesbian, bisexual and gay people tend to have a broader definition. Sex education historically revolved around reproduction (therefore penetration), which is just one of hundreds of reasons people have sex.
If you think of penetration as the sex you “should” be having, you might be missing out on the sex you genuinely enjoy. Whether you’re in a penetration rut or tend to have sex the same way, challenge your idea of what intercourse means: “Whenever you have sex, change one small thing – lights on/off, starting with your clothes on/off, a different position, or agreeing not to have penetrative sex,” Moyle suggests. “Novelty can be a real boost for our sex lives.”
If your partner doesn’t get an erection or get wet, they’re not attracted to you
“Our culture treats the body like a lie detector test,” says Dr Emily Jamea, a sex and relationship therapist and author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. We’re fed the idea that arousal is instant, automatic and visible, “but bodies are not machines, and things like stress, medications, trauma, hormones or feeling pressured to perform can affect its response”, she adds.
As psychosexual and relationship therapist James Earl puts it: mind and body don’t always play nice. “Men sometimes get an erection without being turned on, just like women may lubricate without feeling desire. The reverse is also true: you can feel aroused without the physical manifestation,” he explains.
Try not to take the absence of a partner’s erection or wetness as a personal rejection. “It may signal that someone needs a bit more time, safety or stimulation,” Jamea says. “Slow things down, check in and focus on what feels good, not just what ‘should’ be happening in the moment,” she adds.
Think you know the truth about sex? Read the full article on The Guardian
