Healthy Women – Good Sex with Emily Jamea: The Burden of Sexual Shame

Emily Jamea, Ph.D. is a sex therapist, author, and podcast host. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.

Jessie and her husband sat across from me holding hands. “I don’t know what happened,” she said. “Things were great in the beginning. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.” She looked at him, and he gave her hand a little squeeze, encouraging her to go on. “I don’t know what changed, but I have no desire anymore.”

“A lot of people come in saying they have no desire, but often, there’s more to the story. Tell me more about your experience when it comes to having sex with your husband,” I replied.

“I love my husband. He’s wonderful. He’s an amazing father. We have a great time together. We enjoy a fun night out. We come home, and I want to be with him.”

I stopped her. “There it is. You want to be with him. So this isn’t necessarily a desire problem. What happens next?”

“I know he wants to have sex. And a part of me wants to, but I freeze up.” Tears began streaming down her face. He reached for a tissue and passed it to her, rubbing her back. I could see that this wasn’t about relationship conflict. Something deeper, more personal was affecting her. “Sometimes I do it anyway, hoping I can get in the mood, but only if I’ve had a few glasses of wine. But inevitably, I have to stop. Or sometimes I’ll keep going, but it makes me squeamish.”

“The last thing I want is for her to do something she’s not comfortable with,” he said. “But we’ve tried everything. If I don’t initiate, it’s never going to happen, but now it’s not good for either of us.”

I asked her husband to step out of the room so she would have the opportunity to discuss her history with me in private. I asked her several questions, including whether she ever had sex that was unwanted. She admitted there was a time in college when a friend had sex with her when she was blackout drunk.

“I take responsibility for that, though. I should have been more aware of my surroundings. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink,” she said. I explained to her that it wasn’t her fault and that what she experienced was sexual assault, a form of violence, and that the shame and trauma she was experiencing then may have been stuck in her body as a result of that event.

To read more, go to HealthyWomen.org and identify some of the causes of sexual shame.